When Your Love Handles Are a Little Too Lovable

So if you know me you know that I'm packing a few extra pounds; I've got a tiny bit of junk in the trunk; I'm pleasantly plump; a chubba bubba; I'm an all-you-can-eat buffet nightmare; I'm 2 ton tizzy; I've got more cushion for the . . .well, you get my point. In short--I'm fat. Not disgusting, make people stare, need two seats on an airplane fat (at least I don't think so) but in need of some serious weight loss. And why is it, by the way, that when you admit being overweight to skinny people they generally respond with something like "Oh, STOP, you're not fat!" What's THAT all about--do they just want to avoid having competition for the skinny award? In my opinion, fat people would be much more motivated to lose weight if people were simply honest and helpful:

Fat Person: "Gee, I've really put on some weight, I'm looking a bit fat these days."
Non-Fat Person: "Yeah, I've noticed that. You should try to lose weight. Is there anything I can do to help you?"

Because what it all boils down to (and this is a fact known all too well by fat people) losing weight is hard. Incredibly hard. Fat people generally like to eat. So think right now of something you like to do every day. Smoking, drinking, reading comic books, watching movies, listening to music, whatever. Now, realize that you can only do your favorite thing 1/10th as much as you usually do. Depressing, right?? But wait, there's more! Now think of something you hate to do. Going to the dentist, having an annual GYN exam, listening to opera, sitting in traffic, whatever. Now understand that you have to do that thing you hate every single day for the rest of your life. I HATE to exercise. I mean, really hate it. But in order to lose weight not only can I NOT eat the things I like but also, I have to exercise every day. Are you starting to realize why FP's are FP's??
Fat people don't actually want to be fat. (Now there are some FP's in great denial who say things like "I enjoy being fat, my life is very full" but they're pretty much full of crap in my opinion. Being fat is not fun. When you're single and fat you only get the geeky or gross guys coming up to you in bars (my apologies to geeky, gross guys out there); you get to shop in "special" departments or stores where the clothes simply are not quite as stylish as "normal" clothes.

Off on a tangent--why is this??? Why do clothing manufacturers always assume that if you're fat, you have no sense of fashion and wish to wear articles of clothing that resemble things my 83 year old grandmother would wear around her house when she was cleaning?? And have you ever noticed that FP's generally have a lot of shoes? Want to know why?? Because even if you are fat, your feet generally are not, so FP's can buy "normal" shoes and not feel fat while shopping.

OK, back on track, so being fat is not a great way to enjoy life--granted, it's better than being ugly, or worse yet--ugly AND fat, but still--it's no fun. I went through a period during high school when a group of really nice students used to walk in the hallways behind me and moo at me while they threw candy at me. (I didn't pick up the candy, at least not until they started throwing mini Mr. Goodbars--just kidding -- I just ignored them like my mother said to--"ignore them and they'll get bored with it and stop" good old Mom, chock full of great advice. . . And she was right! I ignored them and they got bored with it and stopped. THE DAY WE GRADUATED. I say use your assets--if you're fat and being teased, knock the person down and sit on their chest until they're gasping for air.)
So here I am again after many, many failed attempts at losing weight and one successful attempt after child #2 (damn, I looked good) and I find myself in need of a 60+ pound weight loss (damn that pregnancy #3) Tangent--

Pregnancy #3: During pregnancy, you have to visit your OB/GYN many, many times. Every four weeks in the beginning, then every two weeks, then weekly as you near the end. When you get there, they make you pee in a cup--to make sure you haven't developed gestational diabetes (note--if you are pregnant and have an OB check that day--avoid eating anything with maple syrup for breakfast. And any potato product for that matter. Because if you fail the pee test they send you for the glucose test which is just nasty. . .) then they take your blood pressure and finally they make you get on a scale to see how much weight you and baby have gained. So after I hit the 60 pound weight gain with child #3, I decided I wasn't going to weigh anymore because it was just too depressing. So here's how the visit after that went:

Skinny little bitch (a.k.a. nurse in OB/GYN office): "Mrs. Wagner? We're ready for you. How are you feeling today?"e: (waddling my fat ass up to her)"I feel pretty good."
Skinny little bitch: "Go ahead in and leave us a sample if you can."
Me: (If I can?? If?? Has this chick ever been pregnant?? I can urinate all day sister, this kid is using my bladder as a teeter-totter) "OK (smiling) I'll see if I can go."
Skinny little bitch: "All right, let's check your blood pressure."
Skinny little bitch makes idle conversation while she does this
Skinny little bitch: "OK Mrs. Wagner, slip off your shoes and hop up on the scale for me."
(as if I can actually hop anywhere theses days without fear of cracking the floor underneath me)
Me: "No thank you." ( I smile politely)
Skinny little bitch: "Excuse me?"
Me: "I said 'no thank you" I don't want to be weighed today." (another polite smile)
Skinny little bitch: "Mrs. Wagner, I need to weigh you."
Me: "No you don't. We both know I've gained enough weight to support the babies nutritional needs."
Skinny little bitch: "But Mrs. Wagner, it's also important that we make sure you haven't gained too much weight."
Me: "You told me 3 visits ago that I've gained too much weight. Trust me--I haven't lost any."
Skinny little bitch (looking frazzled): "Mrs. Wagner, I will get in trouble if I don't weigh you."
Me: "This is not my problem."
Skinny little bitch: (panicked now) "But what am I supposed to write down?"
Me: (amused)"Oh, I don't know--make something up. I know--write 125 lbs. that will send them scrambling" (I was about 220 at the time)
Skinny little bitch: "I can't do that Mrs. Wagner, I'll get in trouble.
Me: (patiently) "Again--not my problem"
Skinny little bitch: (voice getting shrill) "Mrs. Wagner, PLEASE get on the scale."
Me: "Nope."
Skinny little bitch: (speaking dolphin now and approaching tears) "MRS. WAGNER GET ON THE SCALE!"
Me: (now I'm getting a little annoyed--did I mention I was never one of those "happy" pregnant people??) "MAKE ME."
At this point skinny little bitch reviews her options--she realizes I'm pregnant, hormonal AND I outweigh her by at least 100 pounds. . .
Skinny little bitch (very quietly) "Dr. Elgin will be right in. . ."

So I'm back on the weigh loss train (hoping it doesn't crash and derail. . .) and it occurs to me that since nothing else works, why not use the fear of public humiliation to my benefit? So I tell every person I meet that I'm attempting to lose weight. I told the mailman the other day--"I'm trying to lose 60 pounds by June 24th. He looked a little confused, but said, "Good for you! Good luck with that."
Told the nice elderly gentleman at the grocery store--"I'm going to lose weight so my husband will think I look hot." Turns out he was a dirty nice elderly gentleman as he replied with a wink, patted my behind and said, "I already think you look hot."
Told the chubby black lady at the post office--"I'm trying really hard to lose weight and get into a size 12 by the summer." She says, "Well honey, if you figure out how, bring your skinny white hiney back in here and share your secret with me!"
And now I'm telling you fine folks--It is my intention to lose 60 pounds by June 24th and be able to wear a size 12. Any and all support is greatly appreciated (send no cash now, I'll bill you later--just kidding, I mean verbal and emotional support) So here is a list of wonderful supportive, helpful things you can say to me when you see me:

"Shannon, you look great!"
"How much have you lost?"
"Do you want to go for a brisk walk with me?"
"Set the doughnut down and slowly back away from it."
"Don't order soda--drink water you stupid cow."
"Let's meet for lunch and get a salad."
"Shannon, you're still looking plump, step up the workouts."
"Here's my number, you look so hot, call me if Chris ever leaves you." (This one pretty much only pertains to Brett Favre. Or Matthew McConaughey. Or David Boreanaz. And Spike from Buffy. Oh--and the guy from The Wedding Date (I can't think of his name) Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. . . )
"Hey, did you exercise today? You did! Great job!"

And here is a list of things not to say to me:

"Want to order a pizza?"
"Do you want fries with that?"
"Are you hungry?" (FP's are ALWAYS hungry)
"I'm not going to finish this--do you want it?"
"There's NO way you can lose 60 pounds by the end of June" (shoot for the moon--even if you miss you're still among the stars)
"Who wants ice cream??"

So now it's out there, and I have no choice but to either be successful, or look like a complete idiot. Well, there's always the option of staying in the house for the rest of my life, but we've already booked our Disney trip and I really want to go so, I guess I'll just have to suffer through the next 33 weeks feeling miserably hungry and irritable.
Thanks for reading and thank you in advance for your support and if there's any other FP's out there who are in need of support--emotional, mental, verbal or otherwise--let me know. I'm your girl.